After three weeks, Tijuana Bob finally checked in with the office. After opening up a spot for him on the site so that he could (as he says it) "drop the leg" on heavy metal and walk down the hallway to his rusted el camino carrying my Winger rug, I made no bets about hearing from this strange fella.
After all the dude wears a mask, cape and sports knee pads over his "stretchy pants". Bob proclaims he is a legendary luchador and that he is known as the master of the battle royale (with cheese?). I guess stranger things have happened. Hey, the rug is cool.
Anyways, this week we introduce a fun and disturbing column by this masked man from parts unknown. Guess he's not from Tijuana? We must add the disclaimer, that anything that comes out of his mouth and is regurgitated on the web is his opinion alone and does not reflect the opinions or ideas of the rest of us working at the blog. Enjoy.
• hello fellow metal listeners. you might ask who I am. you might wonder why such a specimen with the 24 and half inch pythons, sitting on the bumper of a tricked out cherry red el camino with his laptop is doing on a web site about heavy metal. you might also ask yourself what i am doing with my new boss's winger rug. why are you thinking about me so much?
|Unmasked - Tobias Forge, lead singer of Ghost, there damnit!|
• so I come to drop the big leg on the pencil neck geeks of heavy metal. i'm so tired of scrolling down a web browser to see posts by metal magazines I used to collect trying to promote the idea of some mysterious band or the false identity of some mask wearing hot topic drop outs. we all know what corey taylor and that dude from mudvayne look like. whoever is under the masks of the guys from ghost are not gonna be pretty and who cares who the hell they are. your lives will go on. everyone still loves a mystery don't they.
speaking of mystery, what ever happened to that goggle wearing pick up artist?
|dude is a lady gaga|
• let's talk about another jabroni. sebastian bach. man that guy loves to dress like a lady. he spends more time dressing up in outfits than he does complaining about skid row. bach is on so many reality shows and shitty sitcoms and he can't even blame being drunk anymore. can you believe it, a rock star being sober. sign of the apocalypse i'm sure.
• motley crue on their last tour huh. has anybody cared about them since the dr. feelgood album? seriously, is mick mars really alive or have they just propped up a scare crow with a wig for the last fifteen years. now I turn on my radio and hear nikki sixx doing a radio program. christ man, didn't you use to snort ants off ozzy osbournes ass? now you talk about news headlines, here's one, nobody cares about motley crue anymore...fozzy draws more of a crowd (flies) around a new album than these guyz
|Friends of HMT - Andrew and Sean Kenyon with Mushroomhead at Mayhemfest|
• outdoor fests. how many of us remember all the heat sick afternoons trying to find shade at the ozzfests back in the 90's. well i guess there is a new generation of kids clamoring to spend all day at a venue paying for overpriced beers, having to sit through six hours of barely listenable bands until their favorite band comes on at 10pm and you've already seen the coming of christ since 4 when someone slipped a tab of acid in your zima...they still make zima? god bless those kids keeping metal alive and well!
So we had to cut off Tijuana Bob this week, he started having flashbacks from Ozzfest 99 and we had to kick him out of the office before he steals anything else. Next time, we will try to make heads and tails of our masked friend's obsession with the first Brujeria cassette and what he did with my rug. All I want is my rug man.